Stalkers are hilarious if its not happening to you.

The life of my friends make me laugh so hard sometimes although some of the things that happen to them are slightly concerning.

Such a thing is happening to Jess and it is so fucking hilarious and yet verging on being really obsessively creepy. Although I’ve never actually met this guy but from what Jess has told me about him and his Facebook page I can conclude that he is indeed obsessed with poor ol’ Jess. I fear that soon it will go from “I’m a clingy guy that wants you way too much” too “Get in the van”. And yet, it’s still hilarious.

My theory is that he is either:

a) Actually in love with her and is just weird about it
b) Gay and convincing himself he’s in love with her because he’s in denial

Or

c) Just a freak

I like to think it’s a mix of b) and c).

So as a way to help Jess here are some “I’m going to kidnap you” phrases she should look out for:

“Get in the van.”
“Are you allergic to chloroform?” or “Can I press this damp rag into your face while you inhale?”
“You wanna go for a walk toward that dark and isolated location?”
“Hold still while I throw you in this sack.”
“Can I restrain you with this large roll of duct tape?”